Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
