Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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