omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How many fucks given?
0.12846
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My bed smells like the plague
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