So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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