Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
