I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
