So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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