Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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