apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
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OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
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God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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