Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
