I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
