You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
