im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
