she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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