It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
