what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
