turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
