Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
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he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
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ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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