um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
