I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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