well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Randomize
