just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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