I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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