this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
