Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
