Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
