I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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