We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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