Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
