My friends, they love my intelligence
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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