I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
