yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
