im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
worst night to have a conscience
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
