he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
