The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Randomize
