I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Randomize
