Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
