I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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