I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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