So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
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so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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