Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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