I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
