What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
