I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
