how can u be prego again
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
