sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
