in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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