dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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