It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
