Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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