I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
