I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
