i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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