i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
